Gay’s Retreat: Moving Into Renewal

by Mimi Sandeen

 

Gay is a 57-year old woman whose body was breaking down. Her symptoms - fever, hearing loss, dizziness, tremor in her hands, facial paralysis, deep fatigue - mystified the medical establishment for several months. Finally, in the fall of 2002, at the Mayo Clinic, a rare form of an autoimmune disease was diagnosed - neural sarcoidosis. Sarcoidosis is a disorder that more commonly attacks the respiratory system. But in Gay’s case, there were granulomas on her auditory nerve, resulting in hearing loss. Granulomas on the 7th and 8th cranial nerves also caused hand tremors, loss of balance, weakness, and, in the case of her face, what had appeared to be Bell's Palsy. To treat the sarcoidosis, Gay was given prednisone. It gave her significant relief from the symptoms, but within 5&½ weeks of starting it, she began experiencing back pain after lifting a heavy object. The pain increased, over time moving up her spine. Back spasms were frequent. By March the pain was unbearable, and she was given the narcotic OxyContin. Again, a diagnosis was difficult to make. One radiologist thought it might be bone cancer. Eventually, X-rays revealed broken bones all over her spine and ribs. Another trip to the Mayo Clinic revealed that Gay had developed a massively severe degree of osteoporosis - the direct outcome of taking prednisone. At Mayo, Gay was treated to put together broken bones, and Forteo was prescribed for the osteoporosis. But the damage was extreme. Pain, fatigue, and back spasms had become a terrible norm in her everyday life. She developed a dowager’s hump, her back deformed, her ribs pressing against her pelvis. The simple act of walking had become an exhausting challenge. Now Gay had a choice to make. The medical profession had recognized that her body was breaking down. It even helped the process along with a prescription drug. As commonly prescribed as it is for autoimmune disorders, prednisone is also well-known for causing problems of its own. Many have felt its frequently occurring side-affects, some of them very serious (in Gay’s case, monumentally so). Conventional medicine left her with limited options. But was there any alternative - another way to deal with her predicament? Could Gay find a way back to health and independence? Tools for Well-Being Gay knew of another possibility through her acquaintance with Accem Scott, ND and Eleanor Hancock. Together, Accem and Eleanor run Tools of Light - Asheville, a program that brings together the elements of many different healing mediums into a holistic, integrative practice. Working with the basic tenets of naturopathy, they emphasize the fundamentals - diet, exercise, & cleansing. But their philosophy of well-being recognizes that healing must also include our emotional, mental, and spiritual levels of self. As such, they introduce their clients to new ways of experiencing, exploring, and understanding all aspects of their being. This approach creates a unique opportunity for their clients, who gain more than a foundation for healthy living. They also discover their own inner ability to guide and change their lives - in essence, to re-create themselves in a new vision of independence and personal well-being. Gay decided to seek this alternative, and chose to go to Asheville, North Carolina for a two-week long personal retreat with Eleanor and Accem. She came with specific goals for herself: Deal with osteoporosis and its effects. Reduce pain medication. Strengthen her body. Gain flexibility. Control the sarcoidosis without “bad medicine”. She wanted other options that she couldn’t find with the traditional medical establishment. Other goals had to do with the mental and emotional aspects that played a part in her physical condition. Dealing with the frustration of her situation was one such goal. Finding a different way to deal with stress was another. Prior to her illness, she had tied much of her emotional life to her role as a university teacher - class preparation, intensive coaching of writing students' work, committees, scholarly activities. She had not taken time to take care of herself physically, to be in relationships, to pay attention to her spiritual life. Now, it was impossible to do her job at all. Overall, Gay wanted to gain flexibility and maintain independence in all levels of her life. She came to Asheville with a goal to return home with a vision of how to live her life differently. Major Melt-Down A personal retreat at Tools of Life Healing Center is just that - personal. The basics - diet, exercise, and cleansing - are always addressed. There is, as well, an itinerary. However, Accem & Eleanor include flexibility in that itinerary. Their approach recognizes that each person has special needs and challenges. The pace is adjusted as necessary. And open communication that establishes mutual understanding is an important part of the process. Gay’s first experience in her retreat was, in her own words, “a major melt-down crisis”. She sat down to a meal of tofu and soup, tried to eat, and immediately became nauseated. The food was totally unfamiliar to her - cabbage spicey with vinegar and the soft texture of tofu. Overwhelmed, she sobbed uncontrollably. Eleanor supported her through the emotions until she was able to talk. She told Eleanor that it was already difficult to eat. She was frequently nauseated, and had lost 25 pounds. Now, at her retreat, she was overcome with fear of being unable to eat at all. But as they worked it out together, it became clear that her fear extended beyond food and eating. There was fear of the unexpected. And fear of what she might be giving up. Part of that was the fear of giving up medicine she had depended on. Western medicine had not been kind to her. But what if her choice was wrong, and she gave up the one medicine she truly needed to survive? Even deeper, she had come there with a lifetime of rationalistic thinking and also a firm Christian belief. The deeper fear was that in her doing this retreat, her reason would be violated. And, deeper still, she risked her faith being violated. The crisis over food was a mirror, reflecting other, underlying issues. But in their communication and the understanding that grew out of it, that crisis became a catharsis. Eleanor assured Gay that there is always choice. She wouldn’t go hungry. They would find healthy foods that appealed to her. She could choose what she wanted to eat. Likewise, in all the other aspects of her retreat, there was always choice. She could choose not to do something. She could choose to go slow. She could freely express her opinion. Freedom to Move Knowing there is always choice was freeing for Gay. She wanted to get well, but “not at the cost of who she is, to the bottom of her toes”. With this knowledge, she felt able to experiment with the newness of her experience. She had come wanting to find change for her life, but her underlying fear had limited her. Meeting this initial crisis and working through it established the tone for the entire retreat. It was an empowering moment for her. Eleanor and Gay went over a meal plan that would address all her needs, including the need for palatability. They discovered that many of the foods Eleanor & Accem worked with, such as spelt bread, were already familiar to Gay. On the other hand, her resistance dispelled by the knowledge of choice, Gay was willing to try new ideas. And, she made adjustments of her own so she could enjoy the benefits of some less palatable foods. She didn’t care for a spicey vegetable juice featuring carrots, beets, and kale, but wanted to drink it to strengthen her stomach and to help prepare for the upcoming colonic. So she diluted the taste by drinking water afterwards. Building on her new-found confidence to try new approaches, Gay quickly learned the technique of kinesiology. A process that helps us connect with self-awareness to the intuitive level, kinesiology cuts past mental chatter and emotional bias to find what we need. This was an exciting discovery for Gay, as she learned to ask questions of herself, and to test for what she needed in the way of her medicines, herbs, etc. She went on to work with the Chinese Energetic Method, which extends beyond the diagnostic aspect of kinesiology. Using kinesiology, we can find areas of imbalance - where we’re weak and we’re strong. But with CEM, which is based on the work of Dr. Kam Yuen, we work with the ancient Chinese concept of chi (energy) in the light of the more recent understanding of quantum theory. In CEM, it’s not only following the chi - “wherever the chi goes, that’s where all things flow” - but it’s also making adjustments that are possible on the quantum level - the level where matter is affected by consciousness. CEM allows us to actually make corrections on an energetic level. New Realities Working with kinesiology and CEM not only gave Gay a new way to work with herself. It also emphasized a new way to experience reality. Finding non-mental, non-rationalistic ways to perceive herself was essential to her regaining well-being. In the holistic paradigm, all parts of our self affect all other parts of our self. Being a very mental person, for Gay to achieve a rejuvenation of her physical self meant that she also needed to experience a rejuvenation of the mind. How she perceived (and potentially limited) herself on the mental level reflected into her physical well-being. It affected her potential to change her physical self. In her life, there had not been much room for mystical, non-mind-based experience. Her primary construct of reality was rationalistic - cerebral, analytical, precise, well-ordered, and well-defined. Her Christian belief was another essential part of her life, and her expression of that belief, especially early in life, was also largely rationalistic in nature. But she felt it was important to recognize that there are subtle differences in belief. And her own “hope” was “to always know that I don’t know". Being willing and open to experience reality in different ways was the first step. Many years earlier, working with a Christian counselor, she had had a powerfully affecting visualization. So she did have the ability to reach into other, nonconsensual forms of reality. Finding experiences and approaches that were resonant was the next step. And that was facilitated through maintaining an open dialogue with Accem and Eleanor. If something felt uncomfortable or off to Gay, she knew she could say as much to them. This alleviated her fear of her faith being threatened or violated. This was an essential part of her willingness to go beyond rationalistic constrictions. Along with rationalistic perception in general, the tension between spiritual and mental affects our ability to recognize and explore nonconsensual reality. The challenge in working on the spiritual level is that so often it’s defined in terms of dogma and belief systems. These are part of our mental perception. Getting past the definitions and to the experience of the spiritual was a challenging part of the retreat - for Accem and Eleanor as well as Gay. But meeting that challenge led to some interesting and valuable openings. Gay discovered working with the Animal Medicine Cards to be a very resonant experience. Based on Native American spiritual tradition, these cards provide intuitive insight into where we are in our lives. She felt connected to the truth and message in the cards she drew. The antelope, for instance, doesn’t just think about it. The antelope declares, “I’m going to do it, even if it’s drastic.” Drawing this card felt validating and supportive of the direction in life she was taking. She also found voice dialogue to be an intriguing path to self-enlightenment. A technique for giving expression to parts of our inner self, voice dialogue is used in therapeutic rapport to explore and facilitate self-understanding. One memorable voice dialogue evolved in the aftermath of a faith-healing service Gay attended. Three women had prayed for her with great conviction, affirming her being in a state of good health that she must hold in mind, not returning to a past image of weakness and disease. Being prayed for in this way was deeply meaningful for her. But later, Gay realized that, until now, she had never thought to pray for her own healing. She had prayed for others. She had looked after the needs of others. But she had not thought to look after herself in this profoundly supportive way. Asking why this was so, she dialogued with a part of herself, seeking self-understanding. In yet another dialogue, one that began with issues about health concerns, Gay gave voice to her physical heart, asking it what it was unhappy with. Her heart answered, “If you’d do some bloomin’ exercise, I wouldn’t be having such a hard time of it!” Moving Through It Exercise and movement were indeed a critical part of Gay’s retreat. She came to Asheville weak, limited and afraid to do much at all because of pain. She learned Banging on the Bones, an exercise to open the energy flow through the meridians, and Pa Kua, a martial arts exercise that uses circular, flowing movements. Doing these exercises was paced out to accommodate her weak condition. Of special concern to her were movement and the position of her back. Debilitating pain and severe spasms had made her apprehensive of many situations. She had great misgiving over attempting a massage in the heated water of Hot Springs. Leaning back with no support, her back felt weak and in pain. But as Accem did corrections with acupressure, the pain disappeared. Gay helped herself, using deep breathing and re-aligning her spine, as Eleanor had shown her. Past painful experiences involving heat or an unsupported back were replaced with a good memory. Similarly, getting on a table to lie on her stomach for acupuncture was very difficult and painful. But Accem eased her through the movements on and off the table. He did corrections and made adjustments per her instructions as he worked on her. It became another good experience. Learning Pa Kua had also been a very difficult challenge, as she dealt with back pain and stiffness, lack of strength and awkwardness. Then came a personal breakthrough during an exercise session in the park. Because of her weakness, Accem had brought a chair so she could work sitting down. Gay decided that this time, she should stand up. She wanted to experience the fluid movement and flexibility to its fullest extent, and sitting would restrict her. And so she stood. Gay was surprised that a little bit could go so far. She came needing a walker to get around at all. In three days' time, she had become noticeably stronger. She was steadier, not shaking as much. She had more energy in her walk. Each of her experiences added to the others, building her self-confidence, increasing her independence, and reinforcing her belief in the methods she was learning. Mile Stone On the local highway in the Blue Ridge Mountains, mile marker 417 is also the beginning of a hiking trail. Ten days into her retreat, the notion of making that hike became a subject of discussion and inner reflection. Two days later, on Sunday, Gay did the hike. Using her walker would be impossible - out of the question. With only her cane &, when needed, some support from Eleanor or Accem, Gay hiked a mile-long trail of breath-taking verdant beauty. But, in its natural state, it’s a trail that’s also coarse, rugged, rock-strewn, constantly curving. It was rigorous - over roots and slimy rocks, up and down, keeping her balance, keeping going. Near the end, she had a physical crisis - she couldn’t keep her balance. But unlike times in the past, she didn’t panic. She could tell her blood sugar was dropping. They sat on the side while she ate part of her lunch and recovered. They continued to the finish point. There they spent the afternoon overlooking the river, eating, resting, working on her back. The return hike was mostly up. But the same trail, that had earlier taken a grueling hour to traverse, went by in twenty minutes. The sense of time and space - the experience itself - felt different to all of them. It was if a part of the trail had magically disappeared. And Gay felt very strong. She had taken on a challenge that previously, she could never have even envisioned herself doing. Re-Cycling Through the process of her retreat, Gay had changed her self-image. She had arrived filled with an image of being weak. She was wrapped in hopelessness. Her self-declaration was “I can’t do that”. Now, though, she held an image of strength. And she knew that, using her new-found tools for healthy living, she could actively support that strength. She had come to this image of strength and independence through a multi-leveled, integrative experience. Working with voice dialogue & kinesiology gave her insight into what her body needed. Working with her body gave her emotional confidence. Making this experience the foundation of a new vision of living, Gay developed a daily practice, moving herself into renewal and vitality. This practice becomes a cycle - spirit moving mind moving body moving emotion moving spirit moving. Each part of our self moving, and moving the other parts of our self. . . . . Wherever the movement begins, this movement creates energy and renewal.